People say that my husband and I are weird, and they’re absolutely right. We are definitely odd ducks. However, typically, when people comment on us being weird, they mean the fact that Jonathan and I share an email address. And our social media accounts. And our bank accounts. And our Amazon account (which gets ridiculously tricky around Christmas).
We both have total access to each other’s computers and cell phones (with the exception of confidentiality needs for work purposes). He tells me if he’s running late from work, and I do the same. I tell him when I need to go back up to campus for a work emergency, and approximately what time I expect to be back home.
Some people say that this is controlling. I say that it’s respectful. This is because secrecy is the enemy of intimacy. Secrecy gives a foothold for darkness to enter into our relationship. Ephesians 5:11-14a says, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light.”
In our marriages, we must ensure that everything is exposed by the light. Our spouse deserves a flashlight into the very corners of our private lives. The two cannot become one (Genesis 2:24) and continue to live two separate lives.
The hard truth is that if there is something we don’t want our spouse to know (outside of happy surprises like gifts), that something is probably not bringing us closer to God, or each other. It’s entirely possible that this “something” is bringing darkness into our life and our relationship. If there’s something we are hiding, we need to openly and honestly ask ourselves what our motivation is.
That being said, transparency is about building trust, not weaponizing accountability. If we use forced transparency to demean or control our spouse, or to make them feel like they are a criminal and we are their warden, we are going to destroy our goal of improving the intimacy in our relationship. In order to build intimacy, transparency must be accompanied with grace and love. We should consistently be looking for ways to build up, support, and encourage our husbands, not belittle and demean them.
So what are some practical ways we can begin building transparency in our marriage, if this is something we haven’t really focused on before?
#1. Do a self-check: Do you have habits that might make him resistant to transparency? Do you have a tendency to gossip so that he doesn’t feel safe sharing things with you? When he is vulnerable with you, do you weaponize what he has shared later so that you aren’t a safe place for him emotionally? Are you untrustworthy with money, so that, financially, it isn’t wise to share the bank information with you?
#2. Make prayer a daily part of your relationship. Few things in this world are as intimate as spending time one-on-one in prayer together.
#3. Have an open and honest conversation about how you each feel about the current level of transparency in your relationship.
#4. Sit down and talk about some ways you can begin to introduce more transparency into your relationship, and what that might do for the intimacy between you.
Marriage is a beautiful, sacred covenant, unlike any other on earth. It carries with it a level of intimacy and togetherness that is used to describe the closeness God desires with His people. But secrecy can, and will, erode that intimacy. Let’s make transparency a priority in our marriage, so that our relationship with our husband truly reflects the light of God’s love and goodness.
